Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Love Letters and Memories

As an online marketer I often join one or the other community, when someone invites me, looking for business friends, webmasters, bloggers, but homebusiness is a lonely job as well, so any communication is welcome - only, outside facebook - not checked linked-in yet, all the world seems to consist of people who do not just lack communication, but are desperately searching for their partner.

Whether my profile is set up correctly or not - I never forget to write first place thatI'm a happily married mother of a grow-up son - between the advertisements and scams (really few nowadays, luckily) there are the letters asking to come to come to know me closer - "and here is my messenger id". - I sure have no time to chat, and I sure know what they want and hope they forget me among all the other girls they wrote to - but when I check back after perhaps a month, I find so many asking why don't you answer?I hope, they read my blog as well, where I tell why I don't answer... .

Cyberia is a lonesome place, I know, that is why we join communities and make friends.

Only, why are you looking for Love online? I wished I could say different, but from all the experiences with so many former friends - and recent ones who gave up on me at least - I can only tell:

Love is something that belongs to the Real World, not to Cyberspace. And Love has to do with nearness, not with long distance. Sure, it is even better when it starts as a nearness of minds - but that makes the situation even worse. 'The farther away, the closer to the heart'. And the harder to bear the fact, that s/he is not near.

Why would you want to suffer so much? Can I not understand this, because I am Neila, the Spacelady, or because women in general keep a clearer head? You may answer: "It is my heart, that tells me to love, it is not me."

No, wrong answer! When your eyes see a picture, when your mind reads some words, when your ears hear music, it always goes to the brain first.

There is a man in my mind, he has left my virtual life since a long time, and I knew it would come to this. - No, I'm a married woman, and had I started some years earlier, he could have been my son, I was not 'in love' with him. I just - well, hard to describe my feelings, perhaps it was a kind of love, a different kind from this man-woman thing. He somehow became a part of my life, however much I tried to drive him away. And all I did was suffering with him all the time, and wondering, why such a sweet handsome guy could not find a wife.

I hope, I helped him a bit through this hard time by offering a virtual shoulder to cry on - that is, he was one of those men who don't cry, and I did it secretly for him after log off. It really is so much harder to be forced to help a friend over his impossible love, when you are the object yourself.... .

He has left the Cyberworld for good now - step by step, looking in only to find me now and again for a while with longer and longer intervals, and I know he will never anymore after more than a year. I wished I knew, if he is happy now so he doesn't need me anymore. - But at least I know, he is over it now, missing me does not hurt so much anymore that he is forced back into the dangerous Virtual World.

This process is normal - only with him it took a little longer:

However deep a feeling my be, it will faint. Looking at an old married couple, still loving each other, caring, and so on, - but it is such a different relationship now than it was when they got married. - but they were together all the time, had somehow grown together, and the feelings only changed.

Over a long distance - how could that happen? Into what togetherness should the feelings flow, when the other is never physically near? Even if both love each other and there is no fast way to get together, the feelings just fade during each one living his own life and growing in the daily necessities that leave no room for constant daydreams. One forgets - sure not the person, but the feelings one had. - Internet is only a passtime for most people, and one will look in only from time to time, if one meets the other, one is happy to meet, if not, there was something else to do anyways, someone else to chat with without having to feel troubled, or write ones old neglected Blog... .

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